time flies. i find it irritating. i'd like to know im in control or ownership of my life. but my life (and time) on earth isn't really mine...i dunno... and the fact that i can't knowingly control this time that just makes me grow older, wiser, this thing..this...time. time with its memories that i find so hard living with. im upset.

i find myself surrounded by meaninglessness. in this country called singapore that's so superficial with its materialistic shit. and this person i am now, who questions everything around me. damn it's so hard to try and handle myself. my mind. this vast vat of emotions. by myself. sometimes i just want to ramble and be understood. but the ppl who understand me are so far away.

so i hurt alone. i want to live life but i dont. sometimes circumstances don't let me. i got a husband now. lives and time are intertwined. one affects the other. im not on my own anymore. i miss being on my own now that i realize life. but then i like physical companionship which i wouldn't get otherwise. so i guess i like being alone: the independance, the freedom, the do my own shit without considering other ppls feelings. And yet I like knowing that i dont have to partake in slutty actions with meaningless people because i really do like a good sex session. needs to be meaningful. and it is. so i get married. ahhh. i might have done it for the wrong reasons. and it probably bothers me on a deep, deep subconscious level.

but i miss the open roads of my country. my simple, simple life. im a just-basics kind of person. im feeling edgy. really edgy. im feeling this edgyness, this anger, this sadness, caged. caged. i hate it.

so restless.
and angry. this untapped cavern of boiling hot acid anger that consumes me...so slowly...so gently...unknowingly.

Oh God, help me.